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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:24 am 
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Just had a call from the Home re my Father in law Jack, he's been taken to hospital spewing old blood from his stomache. Paramedics are assessing him in the ambulance at the moment, so just waiting on the call from A&E to get over there. Poor guy doesn't even know who I or his daughter are anymore.
Strategically, on stand by for the call, hopefully when I tell them it'll take me an hour & a half to get there he'll be seen quickly as they can't leave him alone. Otherwise we'll just be waiting together for hours if I'm there.
Feels a bit wrong though, but feel it's in Jacks interest to be seen ASAP as he's very tetchy & can have outbursts of violence especially out of his safe environment.
Anyone else had to deal with this, just feel a bit callous doing it this way but it will make sure he's seen quickly.
Feel shit doing it this way though.
Any thoughts anyone?

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:59 am 
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Jazzbutcher wrote:
Just had a call from the Home re my Father in law Jack, he's been taken to hospital spewing old blood from his stomache. Paramedics are assessing him in the ambulance at the moment, so just waiting on the call from A&E to get over there. Poor guy doesn't even know who I or his daughter are anymore.
Strategically, on stand by for the call, hopefully when I tell them it'll take me an hour & a half to get there he'll be seen quickly as they can't leave him alone. Otherwise we'll just be waiting together for hours if I'm there.
Feels a bit wrong though, but feel it's in Jacks interest to be seen ASAP as he's very tetchy & can have outbursts of violence especially out of his safe environment.
Anyone else had to deal with this, just feel a bit callous doing it this way but it will make sure he's seen quickly.
Feel shit doing it this way though.
Any thoughts anyone?

I can't say with any experience which way would be best but sounds like the choice you're thinking of could be a way of ensuring he's seen quickly.....don't feel shit about this....from everything you've said previously about this situation it shows you have your FIL best interests at heart. Some people in this situation are just dumped with the professionals and the family leave them to it.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:16 pm 
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Ohsteveo wrote:
Jazzbutcher wrote:
Just had a call from the Home re my Father in law Jack, he's been taken to hospital spewing old blood from his stomache. Paramedics are assessing him in the ambulance at the moment, so just waiting on the call from A&E to get over there. Poor guy doesn't even know who I or his daughter are anymore.
Strategically, on stand by for the call, hopefully when I tell them it'll take me an hour & a half to get there he'll be seen quickly as they can't leave him alone. Otherwise we'll just be waiting together for hours if I'm there.
Feels a bit wrong though, but feel it's in Jacks interest to be seen ASAP as he's very tetchy & can have outbursts of violence especially out of his safe environment.
Anyone else had to deal with this, just feel a bit callous doing it this way but it will make sure he's seen quickly.
Feel shit doing it this way though.
Any thoughts anyone?

I can't say with any experience which way would be best but sounds like the choice you're thinking of could be a way of ensuring he's seen quickly.....don't feel shit about this....from everything you've said previously about this situation it shows you have your FIL best interests at heart. Some people in this situation are just dumped with the professionals and the family leave them to it.


Thanks Steve,
I'm just trying to leave the Professionals in a situation where they have to deal with him as quickly as possible. If I get involved at this point I become responsible for all of it, including controlling him if he kicks off in A&E. I'm just another person to him now, not his son in law.
Still waiting on the call from A&E so they are going to have him for an hour & a half or so before I get there, last time they just dealt with him quickly when I told them how long it would take me to get there, but times before I ended up sitting around for a day having to console him in serious distress.
At least this way his distress should be shorter lived & he'll either be admitted or taken back to the home after being assessed.
Thanks for your support buddy. Paul.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:29 pm 
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Jazzbutcher wrote:
Strategically, on stand by for the call, hopefully when I tell them it'll take me an hour & a half to get there he'll be seen quickly as they can't leave him alone.

DONT MENTION A TIME PERIOD, tell them you will be there as soon as possible!

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:44 pm 
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Finmows wrote:
Jazzbutcher wrote:
Strategically, on stand by for the call, hopefully when I tell them it'll take me an hour & a half to get there he'll be seen quickly as they can't leave him alone.

DONT MENTION A TIME PERIOD, tell them you will be there as soon as possible!


Better idea, thanks Finmows.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:42 pm 
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A friends Father has dementia , and she told social services he had been aggressive to his wife to jump the queue to get in a home. He hadn`t done any harm to her.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:27 pm 
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He's back at the home now, had a carer with him at Hospital from the care home.
I guess that why we pay them so much.
A&E didn't answer the phone on several occasions but I decided if I went over it would've just released the carer & he wouldn't have known it was me anyway, such is his condition.
Info was sparse though & a nervous wait. Eventually the care home told us he's been given antibiotics for his stomach, which will no doubt knock seven shades out of him, but at least he's ok.
Thanks for the support folks. JB.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 8:24 pm 
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I think you’re strategy was correct Paul. My partner has previously been overlooked or fobbed off when some professional agency have seen her with another caring person who appears to have her interests at heart. Better at times for her to sit alone in her chair looking sad and rejected to play the vulnerable person or sympathy card! :roll:


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 8:59 pm 
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Thanks Edd,
He's back at the home now, out of bed after an hour, singing, eating etc, doesn't remember hospital at all bless him.
Difficult to stay out of the crisis & leaving him with carers today, seemed to pay off though & he's fine, so all good again.
Thanks. Paul.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 6:00 pm 
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Don't beat yourself up about this.
My father is in a similar state. He went into a home in November but after several incidents they called an ambulance and informed A&E that they wouldn't take him back.
I spent a night in A&E with him but that just resulted in me having to hold him down in the morning when he is at his most confused. I never imagined having to grab my Dad's legs to prevent him from kicking a nurse in the crotch while she was trying to fit him with a nappy!
I've had a pretty stressful work life in the past but have never felt like this before. My brother had a stroke the evening after this incident and has no movement in his left side. My time over the last month seems to have been spent in the car commuting between the two hospitals and running the kids to and from school.
They want to see Grandad but it is difficult to see how that is ever going to be a good idea again.

He has been in hospital for the last 3/4 weeks and I'm waiting for a call tomorrow to let me know about funding and possible places that can deal with this level of care. I dread to think of the cost of care for this stage of dementia.

I'm afraid I don't have any answers but my thoughts are with you.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 6:29 pm 
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:yt: :sad1:
My mom’s been in a care/ nursing home now for a year ( Dementia ) , some days are better than others ,but in general I get called by about 3 different names when I visit , ( brothers , uncles ) there are moments when we talk about old neighbours , there are moments she asks when can I go home , why am I here :sad1: , the repeating of the same questions every couple of minutes ( stuck in a loop ) :sad1: then she might see something /someone and just wander off,
leaving you sat there ( my Q to leave )
a good friend has said, there comes a time when you have to stop going to see them ,so you can remember then as they were ,and not this broken confused shell of a person you see before you . That time is rapidly approaching for me.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 7:21 pm 
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Having a few dramas at the moment with work, work/life and the usual money shit... This makes it all seem like a stubbed toe.

Very sorry to read these incredibly sad stories. My Mother is 80 this year, she is needing more help every year... but so far so good with the brain part (still drives a fast car too, though for how much longer :? ). I could not imagine anything worse than these experiences.

:sad1:


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:23 pm 
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SimonD wrote:
Don't beat yourself up about this.
My father is in a similar state. He went into a home in November but after several incidents they called an ambulance and informed A&E that they wouldn't take him back.
I spent a night in A&E with him but that just resulted in me having to hold him down in the morning when he is at his most confused. I never imagined having to grab my Dad's legs to prevent him from kicking a nurse in the crotch while she was trying to fit him with a nappy!
I've had a pretty stressful work life in the past but have never felt like this before. My brother had a stroke the evening after this incident and has no movement in his left side. My time over the last month seems to have been spent in the car commuting between the two hospitals and running the kids to and from school.
They want to see Grandad but it is difficult to see how that is ever going to be a good idea again.

He has been in hospital for the last 3/4 weeks and I'm waiting for a call tomorrow to let me know about funding and possible places that can deal with this level of care. I dread to think of the cost of care for this stage of dementia.

I'm afraid I don't have any answers but my thoughts are with you.


God I'm sorry Simon, makes the situation with my Father in Law seem trivial. I didn't mean to stir up stuff for anyone else, I was just a panicked & wanted to tell anyone & try to dump some of the guilt or whatever I was feeling at the time. It gets really confusing for me at times because of the emotional & ethical stuff it stirs up & deciding what I think keeps everyone safe is pretty conflicted. I guess it's the same for everyone but it doesn't feel like that at the time, it's very isolating hence my spouting on here.
My apologies again, I forget that these things are occurring for lots of other people & should probably deal with my stuff a bit better.
I really hope the situation with your Dad turns out ok for you. I wish I could help you but no-one really can with decisions Hospitals & ongoing situations, all anyone can do is offer support.
The home my FIL's in is very good at handling his aggression & kind of leave him be (he's mainly ok if left in his head) but gets aggressive if anyone dips into his space. Fortunately the home we put him in has a great compliment of steady staff (not agency) who know him well & know how to deal with him but the expense as you probably are already aware is crippling.
Thanks for your support Simon, if I can do the same for you feel free buddy.
My thoughts are also with you. Good luck.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:44 pm 
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barney wrote:
:yt: :sad1:
My mom’s been in a care/ nursing home now for a year ( Dementia ) , some days are better than others ,but in general I get called by about 3 different names when I visit , ( brothers , uncles ) there are moments when we talk about old neighbours , there are moments she asks when can I go home , why am I here :sad1: , the repeating of the same questions every couple of minutes ( stuck in a loop ) :sad1: then she might see something /someone and just wander off,
leaving you sat there ( my Q to leave )
a good friend has said, there comes a time when you have to stop going to see them ,so you can remember then as they were ,and not this broken confused shell of a person you see before you . That time is rapidly approaching for me.


Hi Barney, Sorry mate, I forget other people are in the same boat & just let loose when I'm in a quandary with decisions I have to make. I really do apologise to you and anyone else who may be going through similar.
His wife Irene asked me to look after him before she died & I promised I would look after Jack. I have thought it wouldn't make any difference if I go or not anymore as he doesn't know me now anyway, and have distanced myself to the point where I am more about making sure he gets the care he needs but this doesn't stop the ethical & emotional dilemmas I find myself in at times. I also get caught un-aware at times (like today) when I mentioned Mam Tor, our favourite drive & walk & he smiled & seemed to remember, although fleetingly. Breaks my heart to see him like this, but for that second he was there & I wouldn't want to miss that. We've cut down visits to twice weekly & take turns but my wife finds it more difficult as he tries to kiss her & gets sexual with her, so I tend to take more turns than her.
Jesus it's difficult. Thanks for your support Barney, my apologies again for stirring stuff up for anyone.
Whatever you decide will be for the best I'm sure. You take care of yourself.
All the best & thanks again. Paul.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:49 pm 
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Kiwi wrote:
Having a few dramas at the moment with work, work/life and the usual money shit... This makes it all seem like a stubbed toe.

Very sorry to read these incredibly sad stories. My Mother is 80 this year, she is needing more help every year... but so far so good with the brain part (still drives a fast car too, though for how much longer :? ). I could not imagine anything worse than these experiences.

:sad1:


Thanks Kiwi,
My apologies, I was just in a quandary with ethical & emotional stuff. I hope your Mother keeps on keeping on.
Thanks for your support & thoughts.
All the best buddy. Paul.

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