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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2020 9:57 am 
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I was in a club last night and a really ugly woman came up to me, she squeezed my bum and said, ''Give me your phone number.''
I said, ''Have you got a pen?''
She smiled and said, ''Yes.''
I said, ''Well you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2020 11:09 pm 
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I hate it when people get all intellectual and talk about Mozart...


I bet they've never even seen one of his paintings.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2020 12:47 pm 
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Today, I went to get a tattoo of an Indian on my back. Halfway through, I turned and said, "Don't forget, I want him holding a tomahawk." The tattooist said, "Gimme a chance pal...I'm still doing the turban!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2020 9:12 am 
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An art collector is walking through the the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a pet store. He recognises that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for £10. The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale” the collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice, I’ll pay you £50 for that cat” And the pet shop owner says “Sold”. Then the collector turns and says “Hey, for another £10 could you throw in that old saucer, the cat’s used it and it’ll save me from having to get a new one" the owner replies, “Sorry pal but that’s my lucky saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 68 cats”.

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I hate being strapped for cash....but it pays the bills


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2020 10:05 am 
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I went to an Eskimo restaurant last night.
The waiter said We've got Whale meat, Whale meat, Whale meat or the Vera Lynn.

I said "what's the Vera Lynn?"

"Whale meat again"....

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2001 X1
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2020 12:06 pm 
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Current ride: 99 Cyclone M2
Location: Liverpool
I've had this recurring dream where I think I'm a horse,
Been 6 nights on the trot now. :coat:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2020 10:34 pm 
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:clap:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2020 7:42 am 
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Current ride: Buell ulysses
Location: Telford
:yup: :rotfl: :rotfl:
so very true :worthy:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2020 11:41 am 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2020 11:29 am 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:41 am 
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Current ride: XB12XT
^^^^^

A mate was queueing in Tesco's; he had dog food amongst his groceries.

As the shop assistant scanned them through, she said "Oh, have you got a dog?"

Quick as a flash, he said "No, it's my new diet. I've been eating dogfood for 3 weeks now".

"Is it working?" she asked.

"I'm not sure, but my wife keeps finding me in the middle of the road chasing cars".

The people queueing behind him were pissing themselves laughing....


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 3:05 pm 
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Current ride: 1125 CR, XT500, 750S
Location: Tiddly village near the throbbing metropolis of Rugby
Saw in the news that a fella was set upon by a gang in the high street and they attacked him in the face with bunches of herbs......he is recovering but sadly he is now registered as parsley sighted.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 5:59 pm 
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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

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2001 M2
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:23 am 
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Scientists say the universe is made up of protons,neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention
morons.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 4:21 pm 
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:yt:
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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