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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 7:29 pm 
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:yt: what a brilliant example of epistemology. So called because such theories are often formulated during a visit to the local public house! lOl


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2020 9:57 am 
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This Doctor retires, and goes off on a world cruise. Inevitably he gets into a routine, and every day at 4, he goes to the cocktail bar and gets his favourite drink - an Almond Daquiri. The bartender, Dick, gets used to this and makes sure he has it ready when the doctor appears (it's a 5 Star cruise).

But one day, Dick starts to get the almond daquiri ready, when he realises he's run out of almonds, so looks around desperately. He finds some Hickory nuts, which he blends and to him, you can't tell the difference. The doctor arrives and Dick presents him with his drink.
But the doctor's not fooled, and asks 'Is this an almond daquiri, Dick?'
Dick replies: 'No, it's a hickory daquiri, Doc'.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2020 10:54 am 
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Went to give blood yesterday. Won't be doing it again. Too many stupid questions.

Who's blood is it?
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2020 9:22 pm 
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barney wrote:
:yt:
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.


Borrowed for SWMBO


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 6:28 am 
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Jones wrote:
barney wrote:
:yt:
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.


Borrowed for SWMBO

:yup:
this next one may be ok :hehe:

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Last edited by barney on Wed Aug 05, 2020 6:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 6:32 am 
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That’s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 10:03 am 
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I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year, I only missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broke my cats legs.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2020 10:02 am 
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Is it too soon to make jokes about Beirut or should I wait for the dust to settle?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2020 12:47 pm 
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conquistador wrote:
Is it too soon to make jokes about Beirut or should I wait for the dust to settle?

You really shouldn't make jokes about that...one of the victims may have been black.....not so funny now is it ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2020 9:31 pm 
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Man with stutter jailed for 12 years. Judge says he's unlikely to complete his sentence.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 10:46 pm 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Sat Aug 08, 2020 6:21 pm 
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I don't know why Ann Summers calls itself a sex shop. I went in for 10 feet of rope, some gaffer tape and a shovel and they didn't have any of it...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:50 am 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2020 1:13 pm 
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I love the first proper drink of the day. I love the tinkle of ice in the glass, and how the gin swirls around it. I love the fizz of the tonic as I pour it, and the splash of the lemon slice. I love the moment when I sit back, relax, sip it and reflect on the wonders of life. But the wife always ruins it, carping about "there's work to be done" and "you're drinking too much."

For fucksake, why is she even up at 6am?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes thread...
PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2020 9:51 am 
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Police are hunting for the 'Knitting Needle Nutter'
...who stabbed six people in the backside recently.

They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

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