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 Post subject: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 10:28 pm 
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Milf Hunter
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Current ride: '98 S1
Location: Wessex
An Irish farmer named Paddy Callaway had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Callaway.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said,
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy CALLAWAY'S answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fook would you have said?

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I started out with nothing and still got most of it left.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 10:29 pm 
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Needs more cowbell
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And so it begins :hehe:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 10:39 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 1:55 pm
Posts: 825
Location: This side of the sheugh
To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park , and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

Image

PS your girlfriend phoned

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Ulster By Birth Crabbit Old Git By The Grace Of God
2003 XB9s
2007 STT
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 10:53 pm 
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Location: This side of the sheugh
One day while he was at the track betting and losing badly, Sam noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Sam watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Sam made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Sam collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Sam bet big on it, and it won. Sam was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Sam was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Sam also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Sam knew he had a winner and bet every penny he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in last and then died . Sam, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every penny of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.'

_________________
Ulster By Birth Crabbit Old Git By The Grace Of God
2003 XB9s
2007 STT
2010 XT


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 12:56 pm 
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Location: This side of the sheugh
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie,
half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never
climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all
Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the
Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere
in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did
recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father
would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a
big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to
wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,
would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave
that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they
went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change
partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy
waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild,
screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other
for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young
man and in a boasting voice Paddy said: 'And that, me son, is how
ya waves a fuckin' towel!!!

_________________
Ulster By Birth Crabbit Old Git By The Grace Of God
2003 XB9s
2007 STT
2010 XT


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 1:01 pm 
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Needs more cowbell
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Posts: 9011
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Location: Southampton
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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"With square conduct, level steps, and upright intentions ..”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 4:22 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 4:44 pm
Posts: 304
Current ride: Fatbob
Location: North.............Well almost
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 9:08 pm 
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Milf Hunter
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 4:47 pm
Posts: 4790
Current ride: '98 S1
Location: Wessex
A Nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
''Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -- 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.'
'It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and then it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'But then this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball, and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! But while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

_________________
I started out with nothing and still got most of it left.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 9:49 pm 
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Milf Hunter
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 4:47 pm
Posts: 4790
Current ride: '98 S1
Location: Wessex
The Electric Fence.............
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the back garden, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire County.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence charger and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.. Actually, I got the biggest cattle fence charger that I could find, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long Earth pole, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The earth rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. ;)

One day I'm mowing the back garden with my cheapo 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all..

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. :shock:
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a Buell S1 pulling 6 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of petrol.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! :roll:

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 85 degrees, sweating like fuck, standing in my own back garden, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a bitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the lounge by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. :tosser:

_________________
I started out with nothing and still got most of it left.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 10:06 pm 
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Milf Hunter
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 4:47 pm
Posts: 4790
Current ride: '98 S1
Location: Wessex
Q. What's Ricky Hatton got in common with Gary Glitter ?

A.They both went down when they tried to get a little Philipino in the ring. ;) :lol:

_________________
I started out with nothing and still got most of it left.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 10:12 pm 
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Milf Hunter
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 4:47 pm
Posts: 4790
Current ride: '98 S1
Location: Wessex
greasemonkey wrote:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: ,,,,,there are fuckin' tears running down my face,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you ok Mick ?



:oops:

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I started out with nothing and still got most of it left.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 10:24 pm 
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Milf Hunter
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Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 4:47 pm
Posts: 4790
Current ride: '98 S1
Location: Wessex
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said. ;)

_________________
I started out with nothing and still got most of it left.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 1:08 am 
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Current ride: The wife
Location: Cofa's tree
Look like Photobucket didn't like that one...sorry :oooops:

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Last edited by Finmows on Sat May 09, 2009 8:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 1:24 am 
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Location: Chesham, Bucks
What's the difference between your wife and a vacuum cleaner ?












A vacuum cleaner will still suck after a couple of years ...


.........and you can unplug the vacuum when it starts to whine :o :lol:

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What the F*@$ have I done !


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 1:55 am 
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Posts: 2268
Location: Chesham, Bucks
I came home last night and said to the wife, "I've had a wad of fifty pound notes tattooed on my member."

"What possessed you to do that ?" she asked.

Says I "Well, I've always liked the feel of money, I like to play with it and I like to watch it grow. And occasionally, instead of going shopping every weekend, you can stay at home and blow a few quid !"





I am now typing this from my hospital bed ...

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What the F*@$ have I done !


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